The best laid plans

What it feels like (for me) to have the baby come early.

Well, I certainly would not be the first to point out the obvious, that life rarely goes according to our plans.  For the Hillman Crew this seems to ring pretty true (ahem, selling our house).  I’ve come to accept this as a reality of life and chose not to fight it.  However, knowing things do not always go to plan does not mean that we need to stop making plans. As for the kind of planer I am I tend to waiver between chronic list-maker and fly-by-the-seat -of-my-pants gal.  In general I’ve always got some sort of “to-do-list” lying around - or stuck to the fridge with a magnet that says “24 hours in a day, 24 cans in a pack.  Coincidence, I think not!”  This does not mean I accomplish all (or even some) of the things I write on these lists, but alas I make them to help me keep whatever sanity I might have left.  So what does it feel like for the list-making-family-planner to have her baby arrive 3 weeks early?

First off, Baby Boy is NOT premature.  He was 100% “full term” – there is a difference and it’s important to recognize this.  I do not want to minimize any woman’s experience having had a “true premie” as those experiences might have some similarities to mine, but typically can be accompanied by complications (etc.) which I have not had.   On Monday I went to work – taught my class – and stayed  late for a faculty meeting about curriculum (fun).  Then I picked up Jack, talked with my mom about only having 3 brief weeks left until “due” date and went home.  Honestly I was excited that my almost 4-year-old son had not napped that day because I knew he’d likely fall asleep easily and early so I could get “back to work.”  I know, yuck-o, but I was trying hard to stay on top of my work load (3 classes, with around 350 students), prep for the fact that I knew baby could come anytime , and also get my spring semester work somewhat organized so when baby did actually arrive I’d have little to nothing on my plate to worry about - except the wonderful new babe.  So here's what my Tuesday (Nov. 15th) looked like - according to my plan:

• 10:00am appointment with student
• 10:30am appointment with student
• 11:00am appointment  with undergrad coordinator
• Teach from 11:00-12:15pm
• Midwife appointment at 2:00pm in Des Moines

Needless to say my to-do-list was long and baby’s arrival was not on it.  Shame on me, I know. 

So here was my plan: 
My technical “due” date was December 6^th.  The last day I had to lecture for the semester was December 7^th.  Then, I’d planned to have all my final exams offered online – so I truly would have little to “worry” about beyond December 7^th.  As well, my 30^th birthday is the 8^th of December, so I really had picked this as the “perfect” day for baby to arrive.  I honestly would have been fine if Baby Boy had even waited a week past this and final grades were submitted.

Don’t misunderstand me, please, I’m happy and thrilled that he arrived when he was ready and in his own time (and with my beautiful birth experiences).  And, yes, I can do the math I recognize how much he might have weighed had he not been born at 37 weeks.   However, I’m in shock.  Honestly.  I’m struggling with knowing that on Wednesday (Nov. 16) we were,

• Going to take our family photos – the last photos as a family of 3
• And then my maternity photos – the last photos of my with my beautiful baby bump
• Then my sister and I were going to do a belly cast - to remember my beloved pregnancy

Eventually, before baby arrived (for the most part) we'd address all the “to-do” around the house things:

• The diapers to sort and prep (cloth) and the clothes to sort, wash, and put away.  

Finally, there was the whole thing about relaxing and getting in what I like to call the “birthing zone.” A time for me, over the next however many weeks to prepare mentally for my birth.  A time to prepare to be a mother to a newborn again.  A time to breathe, relax, and welcome my baby’s coming.

I’m sad about missing some of those special “last” things I was planning to do. I’m overwhelmed about not getting the prep (for work and home) to do list done.  However, most of all I’m mourning (yes, I’m being honest – I’m mourning) the end of my pregnancy.  I've never denied that I love being pregnant.  Sure there are plenty of “not fun” aspects of pregnancy, but I’ll take ‘em.  It is such a special time in a woman’s life - at least for me!  I love feeling my baby move inside me.  I love the bonding.  I love the secret world that exists only between me and baby.  I love the way I look – even on “puffy” days.  I love it and I miss that end of pregnancy phase.  The phase when I begin to accept the fact that it’s time to say goodbye to the bump, to the wiggles, and to the life-making miracle that has consumed the previous weeks of my life.  I missed my goodbye period and I’m at a bit of a loss.  Yes, even with the beautiful Baby Boy in my arms.

So, yes it’s taking me a little longer to process this experience – even in the midst of all its goodness and blessing.  And yes, it’s taking me a little longer to name my beautiful Baby Boy.  Yes, it’s taking me longer.  My choice to share these feelings is one way for me to emotionally sort through it all.  Even a way to say goodbye to my treasured pregnancy and to fully cross the bridge to the next phase.  Through it all, I’m learning to be patient and to always be prepared!

Baby Boy helping me write this post!