Ice Skating on Jack's 5th Birthday with schoolmate Silas
Even before you were born I was critically aware of how quickly childhood goes. As a pregnant mama I thought ahead and decided I was going to try and never say, "you're too heavy to carry." If my arms can carry you, they will. I never wanted to miss a chance to cuddled or accept a hand being slipped into mine. I never wanted to say, "you're too old." If you want to do it (and it's safe) you're welcome to, I'll encourage you. I didn't want to rush your childhood. I knew this before you, my sweet Jack the Bear, were even earthside. To honor our days together. To cherish the ambiguous blur that is childhood. To hold that time together in reverence. To take slow breaths and savor these moments.
Because that's the catch about lasts. You rarely know when they are coming. I'll likely never know that this time (whatever time that may be) will be the last time you'll ask to be carried or say the words, "hold me mama." I probably won't know to hold and snuggle you a little longer and a little tighter one day because it's the last time you'll crawl into my lap and ask for "mama snuggles." I'll not have the chance to know that I need to take in an extra deep breath to remember how you smell one day. This thought is why I chose to try to treat each of these precious moments with you like it might be the last time.
Ice Fishing - December 2012
Since you've turned 5, just a few months ago, I've been reflecting on how you are changing and growing, but not just recent changes the changes as they've come over the years (years, wow!)
- When did I go from mama, to mommy (and sometimes HoneyMommy), to just "mom?"
- When was the last time you asked to be held? Or Carried?
- When did you first turn your head when I leaned in to kiss you? Telling me to "just go."
- How often do you ask me to play with you?
- Telling me that you can do it your own way or providing a detailed description of some fully hatched plan of yours (that is far superior to my idea) is a daily (if not hourly) occurrence these days.
- You go outside to play in the yard without supervision (gasp).
- You are not my shy little man anymore - willing to chat it up with a "new friend" ANYWHERE!
- You get jokes. You get them and you tell them (create them).
- You can read (a bit) and write.
And that's the short list.
Despite my awareness of how fleeting my time with you "in my arms" would be it does not compare to the feeling I have today - looking back (already looking back). How quickly you've gone from baby to toddler to boy and so-very-soon to young man. I'm going to keep savoring and slowly breathing it all in. For I know you'll keep growing up like the flicker of a flame.
Still 4-years-old (taken 11.5.12)
So tonight, this moment, you're five. Today, you spent your day working and playing our yard. You chopped wood with your dad. You showed me, with such delight, the buds coming up from their sleep beneath the ground. You helped get our chicken coop set-up and moved the 6 ladies out there for their first night. You and I went on a mama and Jack date. You made your pan sauce tonight at dinner for our broccoli. Then you went with daddy to get the car washed while I snuggled your brother to sleep. When you came home you asked to have a story read by the fire and then fell asleep on the chair - firelight flickering on your sweet face.
I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow. My sweet Jack the Bear. You are such a beautiful blessing. May you know and feel this love always.
